the highest pitch of frustration

If emotions were musical, there would be a pure, inaudible note of frustration that would break all glass within 10 miles of my house.

I think today is the first day I seriously considered that Scott might die before making it to transplant.

I've always assumed that the peace and comfort the Lord has given me meant that Scott would be ok; that there would be this happily ever after we would grow old in. With my prayers and pleadings with the Lord, when I consider this other, less desirable ending it is terrifying that I would also feel peace, even perhaps a greater peace.

I was so confident with what I thought would happen; what I wanted to happen, and now there is no guarantee. It doesn't seem possible to be overwhelmed with both frustration and peace at the same time, but I am. I'm reeling with the realization that my will has absolutely nothing to do with what the Lord will give me.

Scott slept most of the day, and went to bed early. I check on him to see if he is breathing.