"I'm not usually so photogenic, but Wow! I look good with your chickens. My dad wants to get chickens. It's not allowed in Springville, so we might put them in the window wells."

The girls sleeping on the living room floor are super nice. I'm glad they had fun with the animals. They sing in Montana tomorrow, and Calgary the next night. Normally, I wouldn't have hosted, but they were begging for volunteers in Relief Society. Besides, it is just for tonight. The program was nice. They've at least given us a good laugh.

"I always paint my fingernails conservatively. But with my toenails, I go wild."

The best part of being the photographer at a party is that you are less likely to be hit with a water balloon. It doesn't give you total amnesty, but it helps.

I'm so grateful we are stable enough to have visitors and play.

Special thanks to the wonderful neighbors who mowed our lawn. Apparently, they got tired of waiting for the goats to eat it. It's not perfect, but I'm still working on the animal mowing methods. Maybe, I should add a sheep.

for ashley, who just found out

Hi Ashley,

My name is Brenda Franson. My husband, Scott was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma in April of 2007 and went through a chemo/radiation/transplant protocol at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. The treatment was taken from the Mayo protocol. I'm grateful Arne emailed me with your post because I haven't kept up with the psc support group for a while now.

I hear your scream of frustration loud and clear. Yes, it is extremely agonizing getting everything sorted out and treated and cholangiocarcinoma is so serious. Take a deep breath. I'm praying that I can give you the information you need.

Ok. About the immediate concern of getting your mother in earlier to the Mayo. I was impressed that they could get her in within the next three months. I think trying to get her in earlier is a waste of your energies. I know you are frustrated, but just by the date of the appointment I can tell that someone is advocating on your mother's behalf to expedite her care.

So obviously, the treatable window is extremely small for cholangiocarcinoma, BUT your mother has not been ruled out of that window. It is a great sign that they are even referring your mother to the Mayo. If they thought viable treatment was not an option, they would not have gotten her an appointment, let alone one so soon. .

Infiltrated does not necessarily mean that the tumor is going into the vessels. It usually means that the tumor is outside of the bile duct which does not always mean it is the end of the world. What I did NOT see in your post was the word "metastasis" which carries almost certain mortal finality when dealing with cholangiocarcinoma. The lack of that word in the report should give you additional hope.

With even the best news the Mayo clinic can give your mother, which would be that she qualifies for the chemo/radiation/transplant protocol, it is a long and painful road. Your mother will need all the support she can get. She will need you to advocate on her behalf. She will need you to research it out and find every available comfort, and most importantly, she will need you to breathe calmly and hold her hand.

It is the hardest thing to be a caregiver and have absolutely no control over the situation presented. It is excrutiating to watch someone you hold so dear suffer so terribly knowing there's nothing, absolutely nothing more you can do to fix it. So, you end up doing what you can, which unfortunately ends up mostly to be breathing and holding her hand.

I always felt like we were walking through hellfire which made the Stop, Drop and Roll crisis control plan ironic. Stop fussing, Drop to your knees and pray/ drop anything nonessential, and Roll your efforts into those thing that will be effective in helping the situation. Again, you still end up breathing and holding her hand. Overall, it is one, grand damn.

So, Scott is one year out from transplant. We are dealing with other health issues, but cholangiocarcinoma is not one of them. I do believe we are forever beings and that this life is just a little slice of the bigger picture. So, while I am not too terribly afraid of him dying (It would be really unusual if he didn't someday die, don't you think?), I am grateful to have him here and now. We can hope, and pray, and love, and do our very best, and still come out short, and learn that God loves us enough to work it all out in the end.

Many prayers for you and your mother,
Brenda Franson

By the way, I think it is a crock-the idea that God will only give us challenges He knows we can handle. I've always wanted to slap people who told me that.

Oh, and "patience building experience" is just another code phrase for hell. Really.

Great. Now, I need a vacation because we took a vacation. So grateful to be home.

We were planning on going again this weekend to another family reunion, but I'd rather get a root canal than get into the car with kids for any extended amount of time.

Wait..... I am getting a root canal.

"Mom, that was UN-comfortable."
But why?
"It just feels wrong to take a bath in your clothes."

So perhaps, she won't ignore me the next time I call her to the tub. Perhaps, she will just just use the incident as fuel for some future session of psychotherapy. Either way, the kid is clean, tonight, and the mother is wickedly entertained.

"Uh, that might be a peanut butter sandwich?" It wasn't. I pulled out the moldy bag of semi-liquidated sandwich next. I hauled two, black garbage bags out of the girls' room filled with crap for the dump. It was rather cleansing, although I think I should charge for my services, next time. Seriously.

We were not lost. I just chose to take the scenic route home from Egan Lakes with the Ruebushes following. It really seems like that road should go straight through, but it never does; not even after the third year trying.

I am holding three, large stuffed animals hostage with the promise of taking them to the DI in one week if she can't earn them back by doing jobs without being asked. Who knew that a 12 year old's soft spot would be an old gorilla? I will take more each and every time I have to nag her to do a job. Surprisingly, she was much more respectful and loving tonight than she has been for quite some time. Everything has been so helterskelter the last few months, perhaps she just needs a parental reset to get things going in the right direction again. One thing is for sure, if this is a cry for attention, she'll be getting it.

I'm not sure if Scott had a good Father's Day. He cooked and managed the kids while I sat on the sofa drugged up on decongestant and still sniffling. Poor guy. I am so very grateful to have him. I have fought long and hard to keep him. He really is worth every bit.

And then, after a wonderful dinner of grilled salmon, they let the kids ride around on little 4-wheelers. I shared coupon secrets with Cindy, and Mike and Scott talked about national disasters and politics. Great fun. Thank you.

"Scott looks good. From your blog, I couldn't tell if he still had the feeding tube or was not eating or what........."

Scott is doing rather well. He barfed up the feeding tube after about 10 days with it and has not missed it at all. Just recently, he is getting hungry and eating more. The prednisone has helped immensely, but not fixed the digestive distresses. It has also caused him to be incredibly irritable and jumpy, and he only sleeps about 3 hours a night. Although, he said he slept last night which is a major blessing. He is looking much better with some color in his cheeks.

I am fine even though I have a sinus infection and plan on staying in bed all day which never happens because the mother is never allowed to be properly sick.

I lost my forest green suit top and the BYU-I standard issue exercise shirt to the experiment. They had bubble gum embedded in several places. I rarely exercise, but that was my favorite, all occasion jacket. The moral of the story is do not let your children do your own personal laundry- just each others'.

In spite of my prayers, it has rained heavily all week long, but should clear up just in time for the girls to come home from camp. They are in tents.

My parents are so excited to finally be able to shower in the cabin. It will definitely be worth the time it took to tile. I think my next endeavor is to get the bedrooms sheetrocked, but that will have to wait for another week or so or next month. There's a bunch going on; Dr appointments, allergy shots, a root canal, family reunion, a wedding.......

Scott has a great blog if you need entertainment. I love his post for today.

The girls entertained themselves this afternoon by hypnotizing the chickens. I'm so glad that they have mastered this skill as it is sure to come in handy the rest of their life.

Ginger goat has found a new home with an elderly gentleman in town. We will miss her ways of tangling her tether into intricate knots, hanging herself from the little tykes play set, and screaming when it rains. Oddly, I think it will be Scott who will miss her the most. He has enjoyed watching all the goats with all their personality quirks.

Oh, the joys of living in the country: I'm trying to decide exactly how to explain to C that the cows next door are not playing piggyback. She's so fascinated. I just know that whatever I tell her will be broadcast to her entire 5 year old world: her church class, complete strangers in the grocery store line, our dentist........ There are no secrets at my house, ever.

Maybe being frozen to death in the pouring rain or electrocuted by lightning will be a character building experience. But since they both have pretty good character already, I am praying that the weather will be moderated towards the fair side for girls camp. They leave on Tuesday, and as always, I am soooo grateful to be considered too nuts to handle chaperoning girls camp.

The only thing more frustrating than a tooth ache is a teeth ache where you suspect that you will be having several root canals before the week is out. I am so annoyed and will be furious if it infringes on my tiling endeavors in Island Park this week.

Church was fine, but the highlight of the day was visiting with Cerese who was passing through on her way home to Mackay. We are all looking forward to time spent there in the mountains with her. There is always a party wherever Cerese chooses to go.

The trip home was not without it's usual conflicts, but the wedding was wonderful, and the wedding dinner which Adele cooked was excellent, and the balloon floaty thingers at the reception were fun, and the Wintertons were delightful to visit. I just need a little break and then maybe I'll feel sane, again. Frankly, a break would be anywhere I am not. Since I am with myself even when I go to the bathroom, even that becomes torture.

Sweet Pea is looking conspicuously rounder after not seeing her for three days. I have such high hopes for her to have kids. According to the teenager from whom I purchased the goat she could, but not for sure, be due anytime between July and August. It's anyone's guess as pygmy goats naturally get as wide as they are tall, and really don't show signs of imminent delivery unless you count the BLAAAAAAH right before the kids come out. At least that is what I was told.

As per usual, I have no idea what I am doing.

How nice to have the odd man back working feverishly and ferociously on a project. He's really not unlike the mad scientist exacting experiments in the lab, but he does his most exquisite work this way. It's best not to interrupt; just shove food under the door occasionally, and wait until he resurfaces in a week or so.

I've discovered that grace is not like riding a bicycle. Not at all, in fact. It is painful each and every time you relearn how to ride out life on grace. There are bruises and scrapes and tears and when you finally think you have found your balance everything gets pitched into the barrow pit. And it's not that I'm currently in any particular side ditch, it's just knowing that there will always be something to toss me over the edge that makes it all rather discouraging.

A good day.

And then I remembered why I don't bother having a fishing license and handed the bungled line and tackle back to my sister. Disgusted, it took her 15 minutes to sort it all out. But hey, I wasn't there to fish.

It's a much nicer cabin now there's a flushing toilet, but Scott still can't come until there are working sinks and showers and a quiet place for him to escape. So, I'm going back on Wednesday to do tile, and again next week to sheetrock the bedroom. Hopefully, Dad will get the sinks in soon, because the plan is to spend a huge chunk of the summer in the mountains. And it would stink to always leave Scott home.

Who took the dang remote?

It was a total overreaction to Scott's low-grade temp. He felt tired, but was happy to go to dinner tonight with the school's guest artist. The labs were fine.

Really, there's nothing wrong. It's just that I've lost the remote to turn off my crisis mode.

M grilled 3 racks of ribs for 18 people, tonight. It was a huge success. I am willing to purchase any ingredient or cut of meat if it means she will cook. Oh yes, I am all for that.

Yes, it was a good day. I'm working really hard not to expect it again tomorrow. I'd much rather carry no expectations and be pleasantly surprised, than expect something fabulous and end up severely disappointed by just a mediocre day. It's really the same day; just a different attitude.

I had not ever spoken to him, even though we have been neighbors for over 6 years, and it was one of the most pleasant surprises: A big, surly man with shockingly kind, blue eyes full of indeterminate depth. I brought his wife some iris starts, and he not only brought me the scrap boards I had been eyeing from his pile, but he brought them all made into garden beds. The extreme kindness of it caught me off guard, and won my respect. It makes me wonder what other quiet treasures the neighborhood might hold that I have overlooked.

Another good day; working and playing with the kids; managing the summer with relative simplicity. I really do love my life.

It doesn't happen very often, that feeling of overwhelming awe and gratitude that feels a bit like the wind has been knocked out of you........ and it didn't even happen today.

Nonetheless, I am intensely grateful for a nice day where Scott felt good enough to go to work, and the kids did their jobs without much fuss, and had practiced enough that I didn't feel like it was a waste of money taking them to their piano lessons, and I remembered their orthodontist appointments, and we all fed fish at the neighbor's pond, and Kathy took the kids for the night of cousin fun and movies, and Scott and I watched TV and talked a long, long time while eating ice cream, and everything seemed good and right for a change.

A rare day. Want to hold on. Better avoid gripping the day too hard for fear it will slip through and be gone, gone. Better to just let it ride out not knowing when, but hoping it comes again..... and soon.