the whole time

I woke up with a, cry till you go to bed, cry stuck in my throat. I can't afford that yet. I need the composure to advocate on Scott's behalf. In other words, I need a miracle; a big "walk on water" miracle.

It seems inevitable, a breakdown. That raccoon is stuck, bloated on the tracks. It feels like a simple matter of time before my emotional entrails are scattered to the crows. Heaven help the spectators, because I'm sure it won't be pretty.

At the hospital, Scott was still having serious pain and nausea. Our dr. comes in and Scott tells him what he told him last night, "This really feels like pancreatitis."

"It can't be pancreatitis. Your bile ducts have been stretched by the bigger tube. Sometimes, that's painful."

I am so frustrated, because something really is wrong and he is still not listening. I feel vibrations from the approaching train and this man has no idea what is about to hit him point blank in the face.

"But, it really feels like pancreatitis."

"Well, let's look at the lab-work............damn, you have pancreatitis."

The roar in my head is so loud, I can only send prayers in incomplete sentences.

What happened next, I'm not exactly sure, but it felt like an angel shoved that raccoon down in between the tracks. The train went right over me, and I was left with complete peace. Within two breaths, I went from imminent disaster to perfectly fine (enter miracle). The dr. will never know how dangerously close he came to being the victim of a total meltdown.

"He'll live, but it will be this hard the whole time.", echo reverberated from last June. It was a promise and a warning from the Holy Ghost during an equally trying time.

I get it........ I get it. This is supposed to be hard. It is going to be hard. I guess it is a little easier knowing what to expect.

I really am grateful for that clue, but would someone please tell me, what exactly is, "the whole time"? Is it until transplant? Until Easter? Until he dies? How do I know when "the whole time" is up? Will there be a, "Ding, you're done."? Do we get a star on our chart? A glitter sticker?

So, Scott will spend the next couple of days without food or water. They might put a port in his chest as it is getting progressively more difficult to draw blood and maintain an IV. If the pancreatitis does not resolve within the next few days, they will downsize the biliary drain. If a liver becomes available, he probably won't get it till he is better. He's no longer first on the list, so that would not be likely, anyway.