Could I just vent for a minute? ..........never mind.

So Scott woke up with a tender lump on his throat. With great anxiety we visited our family physician who said, "So, you have a lump? Oh.... that's going to need a biopsy."

I just cannot express the overwhelming sob that just sits on my chest right now.

At best, it is a cyst that will need to be drained. Considering how fast it came on it is most likely something like that. At worst, well......... Either way this is definitely unpleasant and possibly something with a lot of mortal finality attached.

I was just feeling a little picked on, as if the gates of hell are wide open and sucking us in, when the Lord rebuked me with these thoughts.....

"What did you expect? Did you really think this was supposed to be fun?"

No...but it would be nice to have a little break, maybe some peace and quiet.

"No. What kind of peace is there to be found if there is no conflict?"

What? There is supposed to be peace in this?

"Peace and lack of conflict are two different things."

Ok. So that hit me hard. The general message, I think, was "Find peace.", but I definitely feel a "I've blessed you so much. I can't believe you have the nerve to whine."

Breathe, stop, drop, roll. Repeat.

Remember, the man has been promised that he will enjoy his grandchildren. I am going to have to hold to that. Previously, I clung to that pretty good, but the overall situations were never this intense, not even close. This is really trying my faith and I am grasping for that assurance that everything will work out.

I really have been comforted in the past. My prayers really are answered. They are always answered. I don't see any alternative but to take my testimony of "God lives and is in charge" and hold my heart to it. My heart must find peace in that or chuck the whole "God loves me" bit. There's no middle ground.

I will probably be struck down for even seriously contemplating it otherwise, but I do believe that God lives, loves me and is in control of this situation. I am insane to complain. We've been blessed with so many big and little miracles.

I'm sure this blog is babble to anyone who reads it, but it has been therapeutic for me. I seriously doubt anyone is reading this. Maybe, Scott is reading this just to see what is in my brain. I love you, Scott. You're everything to me. Everything.